I used to be painfully shy. I tell people this and they look at me as if they're waiting for my nose to grow but I tell you no lies.

Around my close friends and family I was a little more extroverted and if I’m honest, I didn't actually realise how introverted I’d become was until I entered the 'real world', (not that there's anything wrong with being introverted mind you, it just wasn't true to my nature). My first role after retail was a corporate receptionist where, being agreeable, smiley and accommodating was almost synonymous with the role so being shy wasn't the worst thing in the world, if anything it helped.

It wasn't until I became a PA where I went from working with mostly women to being the only black woman in a team of 26. The only woman and the only black person, period (yeah, that'll do it). All 6 hours of the assertiveness training us receptionist underwent completely went out the window.

I quickly realised that I'd become overly aware of myself. I was doing my best to fade in whilst equally wanting to belong. I'd go to after work drinks only to spend the majority of the time trying to decide whether what I was about to say was clever, funny or even relevant. So much so that I'd end up saying nothing at all, instead I'd just stand there laughing at everyone else's jokes like a weirdo. And to make things worse for myself, I'd be up all night going through all the things I should have said, all the things I didn't say and tearing apart what I did. It's safe to say I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.

Now at the time I'd probably have labelled this social anxiety but as I look at my life as a whole I've come to realise that this high level of self-awareness had been with me before and since then, like a shadow I can't seem to shake.

Once I noticed this was becoming a problem I did the usual, I bought a few self-help books (you know me), and in theory they all helped, to the point where I even began coming across as confident, however there was still one ingredient that was missing…self belief.

What I noticed when applying these practices (I'll list a few below), was the environment in which I was applying them. I found that when I was in the new environment they were easier to apply on the basis that my personality was unknown. The hardest thing about changing or developing a part of yourself, ie being more assertive, loose, funny or even serious is exercising them with the people you already know.

Despite all the books I had read, it took me moving jobs once or twice to wear my corporate personality with confidence. But the more drastic change I would have to make was being authentic. Not just corporate authentic, all round authenticity.

Like I mentioned before a change in environment makes these practices easier to apply but let's face it, most of us can't just change our working and home environment at a drop of a hat. When it comes to our loved ones, the thought being more authentic or true to ourselves can become more daunting based on the expectations they already have of us. We fear that a change in our 'personality' ( for lack of a better word) will be met with either fear, judgement or even exile. The key is to make them a part of it. Tell your friends and family what your intentions are. If you feel you need to develop more confidence, if you feel you need to develop more assertiveness, then let them know that you're working on yourself, that way it won't be so much of a shock. It's also worth bearing in mind that this transition is not one that's going to happen overnight, it won't be sudden enough to create instant disharmony with anyone unless you are of course, being inauthentic...

Now before we get into how to fake confidence I want to talk about the steps needed to be more authentic, because although faking confidence is a great tool, lack of inauthenticity ultimately creates disharmony within yourself which you don't want either so, let's talk about it:

In addition to 'practicing' confidence I also developed a habit of affirming it. I began noting down what I actually liked about myself and what I needed to work on. I started bringing to the surface my deepest secrets, not to mention all the lies I'd been telling myself.

I studied them, eventually deciding that the good outweighed the bad and the bad, if needed I'd change. The more comfortable I became with this the more I grew to like myself. And the more I like myself the less I care about what others think.

Of course this wasn’t at all easy so I didn't feel it in the beginning at all, in fact it actually felt inauthentic.

Nevertheless, with every affirmation I began moving like the woman I still want to become (she has since evolved). I would talk my thoughts out loud to get used to my own voice and opinions (to be honest I wasn't aware why I began doing this but in hindsight it helped). I'd sometimes imitate the stance, mannerisms and humour of the women and men I admired and respected. Of course this can be seen as inauthentic within itself but the goal isn't to copy, it is to adapt what you interpret as confident to fit your personality. It's about developing the boldness to interact with new people, it's about being able to say no simply because you don't want to or being comfortable with just being. What does that look like to you? Who does that look like? For an extrovert, confidence is usually seen as loud and in your face, but for an introvert it's quiet, loud only in its self assurance.

It's also important to understand that the more you practice confidence and authenticity (which I think is the same thing now that I’m half way through this post), the more you realise that even the most confident people have some of the same insecurities as you. In fact, sometimes the higher the position of power the greater the self-doubt. Confidence is something we all have to work on, but to get there, truly get there we must get to the point of accepting and heaven forbid actually liking ourselves too. The bottom line is there is a difference between seeming confident and being confident. Faking it is actually the easiest part.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here are some tips to applying the CON in confidence:

Always walk into a room with your head high and you walk strong. This will give you an instant sense of importance even if no one knows who you are.
Project your voice when you speak. This doesn't necessarily mean more aggressively or louder it, just means talk like you actually know what you're talking about. Maintain posture if possible, it helps with delivery.
Give yourself a pep talk before you walk into any situation that makes you feel insecure or less confident. Speak confidence into yourself. If family make you feel uncomfortable, affirm that you are who you are and you accept yourself regardless, if you're about to go in for an interview, affirm that you are intelligent, that you know what you are talking about and most of all, that you are capable (I might need to borrow this one). Try this for dates and networking events too!
Only wear things that make you feel good. If you feel confident you act confident. Try matching lingerie if you can (I’m not going to lie I rarely do this unless it's in the bedroom but I can imagine it does wonders!).
Always have your future self in mind. If you don't have one, think of someone you'd like to be more like. If Beyonce is the epitome of confidence for you then ask yourself, 'what would Beyonce do?'
Imitate the people you find most confident or admire.
Practice saying no. Let’s be honest, saying no is not something we’re all comfortable with but it is a powerful tool for developing confidence. Find a way to do it that makes you comfortable. A simple, ‘can I think about it and get back to you?’, will suffice. Saying no gives you an instant sense of power and also create boundaries. But don’t forget to get back to them saying no of course. If it helps, make a list of reasons why and express them if asked.

I conclude by saying this, most of us are faking it. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling to develop confidence. It takes years and I have to give myself a stern talking to every day it seems so give yourself a break but don’t give up either! We all have that bitch in us, she just needs a little training.

Mimi…

How To Apply The CON in Confidence