Photo by Briona Baker on Unsplash
Ok so before I start I hear you, I do. And to be honest, I myself am interested to find out how in the hell I’m going to write this without sounding like I really am away with the fairies, so!...I’ll start with a little anecdote.
Like many, actually going out and putting myself out there has always been a fear of mine. And when I mean always I really mean since 2002, year 8, High School. My friends and I decided that for our music assignment we were going to do a rendition of 3LW’s song Players Gon’ Play. We had rehearsed a million times and at best our vocals were mediocre but we were pleased with what we had come up with. Of course the day of the performance we were all excited but we were also shitting ourselves – particularly me. The other girls sung their verses and up until my verse things were going as well as mediocre could. Then my part comes…
My part comes and, to cut a long story short I completely bombed. I mean really, it was awful. I caught the gasps when my voice broke tying to hit the note. I saw the awkward glances of compassion when we went to take our seats. I was embarrassed, and up until deciding to write this piece I had no idea that that performance was where it had all began. The fear of being told I’m not good enough or even worse, failing at it had become far greater than any passion I had. But what has and still fascinates me about this innate fear is the why. What the fuck was I so afraid of and why in the fuck was I so afraid of it?
Throughout the years I’ve dabbled in a lot of everything self help. From the ‘law of attractions’ to the ‘how to appear confident in job interviews’, I can wholeheartedly tell you that I have tried to help self. And the cliched phrase, Trust the Process is a term I like to think I’ve always understood and adopted. But is it as realistic as we like to think?
Now in theory we all trust the process don’t we? We’ve all been ‘doing the work’. But what about we’re doing the work and still not seeing the promotion, the man or the £10,000 we’ve been seeing, believing and trying to conceive? Where is it!?
For a very long time this frustrated me (obvs), and I’ve come to find that despite all the audio books I’ve listened to, the trusting of the process, or lack thereof, has always been part of the reason why I had been too stiff with worry to actually pursue anything. So I didn’t.
But fast forward a few years and I knew that if I didn’t at least try now at something, anything, I probably never would. I made a promise to myself to accept that whatever was going to be the outcome would be the outcome and I would just have to swallow it. That for the first time I would have to put myself along with my brain babies out there to be scrutinised and I tell you something crazy…more than trusting the process, I’m actually starting to enjoy it.
Coming to this realisation has also given me the lens to clearly identify where this fear of failure stems from and girl…it’s nothing we haven’t heard before.
For all the talk we talk about putting in the work, trusting our journey and believing the process, we don’t. Let’s face it if we truly did, fear would be a non factor. Personally I believe that for the most part this fear lies within the fact that we give a fuck a little to much about what people think more than we’d like to admit.
When I was turning 27 I remember having a mini breakdown and panicking about where my life was going. My ambition of being married by 30 was becoming an impossible feat, I was no where near getting a mortgage like ‘everyone else’ (and I mean literally, no one), and I still wasn’t an award winning songwriter. But within the same instance I knew that deep down I didn’t even really want a boyfriend let alone a husband, I didn’t care for a mortgage back then either and the truth was I was too lazy and unfocused to chase fame and fortune. Were any of my ambitions my own ambitions anyway?
During this mini breakdown, having gone through all the reasons why I was a failure one night, I specifically remember lying there thinking, ‘what if I never get married? What if I never have children or find love? How am I going to live my life knowing that none of these things are a guarantee for me?
I would probably write. I‘d live without pressure but with excitement for life. I’d write, probably travel, start a blog. Visit nieces, nephew’s and godchildren. I might settle. Might not. i might find true love, I’d like that. I’d probably write...
That night it dawned on me that how other people defined what success was and fitting into it was more important than what I actually wanted to be successful at. No matter which way I want to slide and dice it, I feared failure because just like how I felt during my 2002 year 8 performance, I feared being watched while failing.
To some capacity I think we all do. We stay in loveless marriages, unfulfilling jobs, courses we have no intention of using just so we aren’t seen as failures.
But what if a little like my guardian angel you asked yourself what you would you do if you saw your future self right bang in the middle of the success you want to achieve? How would you live your life up until that point?
You’d probably, in fact definitely, actually trust the process. You’d probably not give a fuck about the ‘haters’ as much simply because you’d know exactly where you were heading. And you’d probably enjoy your life much much, more.
The other day I was at a family gathering and was asked in depth about where I really saw this blog going. What tried and tested methods was I using to ensure the success of my baby empire, and why? I didn’t have the answers.
Now in the past I would have used this as a reason to self sabotage by deciding I’m just not built for this and that everybody’s probably been thinking the same thing but actually, my cousin had some valid points. Points that I should take on board to grow rather than use as doubt. But alongside this I’m also able to decipher which suggestions work for me which don’t.
I feel like trusting the process is almost like allowing the pieces of the puzzle to come for you to decide how they and where they fit into both where you are now and the bigger picture. I also feel like this, even if for whatever reason we don’t ‘make it’ in life at least we can say is we bloody enjoyed it. Shit, it’s no where near over yet (unless of course you’re well over 70 or something). We still have time to have our time in the sun, or having really looked it in the eye decide that actually, you prefer life in the shade.
Mimi…