Now we’ve all been there, your friend introduces you to her new boyfriend and you're low-key already pissed as it means you might have to start planning your nights out around what they might be doing on the weekends, but when you finally meet this guy you also can't help feeling that there's something not quite right about him.

You brush it off obviously, I mean you don’t know him like she does and anyway, he’s buying all the drinks and his jokes hit so he can’t be that bad right? Wrong. Still you sit there, eat your food, drink the drink that you didn't pay for, and be happy for your friend anyway.

But the weeks turn to months, your uneasiness is validated when your friend confines in you about some fuck shit her new man has done. Naturally you give your opinion, you hurt for her and you even advise her best you can. They might break up, they probably won’t, but your opinion of him has been set. And it’s officially, now logically, a bad one…

Now we all know relationships are complicated, arguments happen, insecurities fester and we all need to vent to our besties about the problems we're facing, and while this is all good and well it can cause major issues in not only the relationship we have with our friend, but the relationship we have with their partner too, especially if they are genuinely trash.

There have been a few friends of mine whose partners I’ve secretly disliked for silly, personal reasons in the past, but I had this one friend whose boyfriend was the absolute epitome of trash. Granted I hadn’t known her for a long time at all but we quickly developed a close bond, since she was 16 at the time, at 17 I felt I had a responsibility to look out for her. Her trash boyfriend on the other hand was older than both of us. At 23 he asserted himself by by knocking her about whenever his mood would swing and making it up to her with date nights and overpowering attentiveness. What was most interesting was the fact that D, let’s call him D, was the most charming human being I’d ever met. Good looking, funny, not very smart but you know, you cant have it all, and honestly, if she wasn’t clearly battered and bruised I probably would have questioned whether she was talking about the same man. Nevertheless not only did I hate him I begged her to leave him, to the point where she would stop confining in me. She would distance herself, eventually pulling away until we both went our separate ways.

The thing with S (we’ll call her S), is that she didn’t stay with D because she feared him, or because they had children or some other binding reason, S stayed because she wanted to…she ‘loved’ him, and girl, Stockholm Syndrome is a condition I can’t even begin to imagine having so as much as I loved her I genuinely thought she was mad.

What this experience taught me above all else is that our friends very seldom want our honest opinions when it comes to their relationships, especially when they are no longer angry, annoyed, or hormotional. They want someone to listen, to nod and to occasionally cuss him out (but only to an extent or she could turn in the, ‘I can badmouth my family but you can’t kind of way’, which… fair). But depending on how temperamental their relationship is, it can also be fucking exhausting for you, and woman to woman we know that no matter how many times a man might cheat, talk to you like shit, beat you or stops satisfying you, you stay until you’ve had truly enough…period.

I've found this affects the dynamic of the relationship because although things might be good between your friend and her partner, the love you have for her fuels the hate you have for him when things aren’t good, and since he isn’t the one dicking you down or paying your bills your not as easy to forgive or conveniently forget the fuckery.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve seen the stakes become greater when it comes to holding down a successful relationship. We become more defensive about our futures, which often go hand in hand with who we’ve chosen to be a part of it, and our opinions, no matter how solicited, seem to have a lasting affect and personally, unless domestic violence is involved my advice never goes as far as to telling my friend to end her relationship, for the following reasons:

a) We only really ever hear their side:

There are three sides to every story and lets face it, we only really tell people what will make us look good in the fall out. There have been so many times I’ve jumped on one person’s sympathy train just to find out they are actually horrible human beings when the shit hits the fan. And when children and mortgages are involved you kind of need the facts before you advise the breaking up of homes and families. I do think though, that as friends you should have the freedom to call each other out when necessary, and if they're in the wrong it should definitely be said.

b) You, yes you, will still have to live with him being a part of your life once they kiss and make up:

Whether you like this man or not he will still be in the picture; at her events (and some of yours), in your conversations, you may even have mutual friends, and it’s just annoying for you all, especially when they’re both sitting there kee-keeing and being affectionate after you not only told him about himself, you brought his hairline and height into it and well…where do you really go from here?

c) Most importantly, it’s not what they want to hear (I need not elaborate).

But with this all said and done, where do you draw the line when the need to defend love becomes more important to your loved one than the relationship they have with you? What do you do when it’s gotten to the point where you and your friend can only talk about certain aspects of your lives due to your hate for her man? And what becomes of you when there’s an obvious change in her personality because she can no longer be honest with you because you have opinions!

Well, if you’ve read my other posts (which you should if you haven’t already), you’ll know that I’m pretty much ok with the natural demise of friendships, I am, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if you hate your friend’s partner and have been very vocal about it then chances are your friendship could be at risk of being on its way out. Because even as you sit reading this you know you would not be comfortable around a friend who hates your partner no matter how trash he’s been in the past and you know it, because that’s bae! Not only that but being with someone who doesn’t love you right is stupid, and you feel stupid, and you know your friend either pity’s you or thinks your stupid. And who want that energy around them. Not I…

I conclude by saying this, if you hate your friend’s partner for personal reasons like, I don’t know he wears corduroy trousers then girl, be honest with yourself and stop hating on her. But if you hate him because he’s trash and makes your friend cry then you’re going to have to get comfortable with the fact that your relationship is most likely going to go though some painful changes, because her pain sometimes feels like your pain, and some of us simply aren't willing to go through it. But I also think that providing you are both successful at ultimately respecting the choices you've both made, which often means just listening and nodding, (occasionally throwing in an insult or two where safe). And the end of the day, really and truly he isn’t dicking you down or paying bills so if that's what she wants, let her have it.

Update:

Actually the more I think on it the more my conclusion might still be pending… I really think it depends on the level of trash and disrespect because I'm getting heated thinking above some scenarios that really aren't mine to get heated about…girl

Mimi…

So Your Friend's Boyfriend Is Trash…