Photo by Shanique Wright on Unsplash
So winter is coming you guys, and as well as the cold I've found that this time of the year also brings with it a very specific type of nostalgia. We're thinking more about family and our close relationships. What we're hoping to achieve in the new year and what we didn't achieve in this one.
For us singletons especially, this is the time of year that ideas and questions surrounding romantic relationships in particular start raring their heads.The happy singletons of the modern world start questioning whether this sudden bout of loneliness is down to the seasonal changes, or if deep down we've been hiding the fact that we want to be boo'ed up like everyone else on the timeline. The unhappy singletons can usually find themselves stuck between 'men are trash', and actually considering their fuck buddies as potential husbands while scanning Bumble for a potential valentines date at least!Right now i'm in the, 'do i really want to be in a relationship or do I need the kind of warmth from affection that only this season brings out?' , faze, and with it has me questioning my own reasons for sticking to one idea when it comes to who i'm supposed to be with and what that should look, feel and be like verses the pure fear of vulnerability.
For most of my adult life I've never really had an issue with being involved in some of the situationships that have gone from from potential relationships to never really quite making it there, and in a strange way I've somehow felt most comfortable in them.
You see there is a certain level of emotional control that comes with knowing there's a line that either can't or won't be crossed. There is a sense of achievement knowing that, as a woman, you are not ruled purely by your emotions, that you know the difference between true potential and an after 8. And most of all, that you, ‘won't be confused for these other hoes’.
For as long as I can remember I've always been aware of the emotional suffering we're taught has to be attached to love, in particular the suffering of women. We are taught things like all men are dogs, that what he won't get at home he'll get elsewhere, and to some degree we've all either witnessed or experienced some form of domestic violence in our lives.
Subconsciously were told that the that's a plight is to keep a man, rather than to be loved properly by one, and those of us who have either experienced any of the above or are just privy to it can sometimes end up creating prisons for our own emotions. I first became really aware of this when I first started writing songs. Before i'd even experienced pain by love I knew how to write it. I noticed that there was a pattern in music where the women sang about heartache and men sang their sorries...Why?
Consciously I knew that I never wanted to be that girl. I decided that I wasn't going to be and that if I was going to give my heart to someone he would have to be something spectacular...true you know? Like the movies…
Now it's safe to say that this idea, although quite admirable isn't at all realistic. Lets face it feelings are feeling no matter how we try and manage them. And of course this way of living has it's benefits but, could this level of self preservation also be pain inflicting?
I know for myself there have been instances where I’d rationalised being in ‘friends with benefits’ type situations rather than admitting I was actually only in it because deep down I was in love with the guy and didn’t want to ruin whatever it was so just made do. All the while pretending I had no heart and that I was a bad bitch...girl, make it make sense please.
Over the years there has been a clear shift in the art that women are producing. In film, television and music we're seeing less and less of the broken hearted girl or devoted wife and more of the, fuck n*ggas get money archetype. And don't get me wrong, give me all the three dimensional, flawed, complex women you can muster, but I can't help wondering if the growing idea that love as a whole isn't as important as it once was or that if it isn't Insta post worthy it isn't true love could also be getting in the way of our own growth as it pertains to self love?
While looking deeper into my past relationships with men I realised that the amount of energy used trying to control, manage and manipulate my emotions may have also contributed to why these relationships haven't manifested into the kind of love I've been holding out for in the first place. Now I'm not saying I should be out here spewing all my deepest and darkest to any old Larry but I also don't think I should be hiding how I feel as to not appear...vulnerable.
In all of my relationships, both fully formed and still in their infancy there is a surprising connection that I've found forms from being comfortable with myself enough to honestly express how I feel about a situation. The ability to be be vulnerable not only forms and builds connections with others but can also put an end to idle relationships we hope will mean something when it won't.
I guess what I think i'm trying to say is, in a bit to protect ourselves by suppressing our emotions, we also need to understand that they usually seep out in other ways, not only potentially damaging some genuine connections but also stunting our own growth.
As I mentioned previously, for a long time I was somewhat comfortable being part of these, almost surface level relationships as they really did save me from getting into some trash situations. But i'm really at the a point in my life where i'm realising that being myself for me, also means being honest, being open.
I mean having said all of this and if i'm completely honest with you, being vulnerable or finding a comfortable balance is still something I struggle with in some form or another daily. Asking for help, admitting failure or wanting to know where or if certain relationships are going anywhere still requires a certain level of bravery, so! I've gathered together a few tips I think might be helpful if you're suffering from cold-hearted bitch syndrome as I once was:
Mimi’s Top Tips:
1. Be honest with yourself about why you built your wall in the first place. Why are you really keeping love out? And if it's down to fear, where does that fear stem from? Most importantly, are you happy living this way?
2. Sort through your ideas about men and relationships in general. What have you been conditioned to believe vs what is true? Speak to your male friends or family members about what love means to them.
3. Try slowly revealing little things about yourself to the people you like being around. You'd be surprised at how comfortable it also makes them feel to open up about their own lives (within reason of course, lol)
4. Don't beat yourself up. Listen, we're only human, and it would be foolish of us to not learn from our past experiences or the experiences of others, especially if they have been at the expense of being too trusting or revealing too much of ourselves. Self preservation, at the end of the day is a form of survival. But what I ask is that you examine how you practice it and whether it still serves you.
5. Love yourself. I've found that when you truly love and understand yourself you become less fixated on how it looks to others. For instance when you say what you feel or think from a place of self love or integrity, there is a sense of peace. You understand that even though feelings might get hurt or dynamics might change, not doing so brings with it discord within yourself. Of course this can either be done with empathy or total disregard for others but it's still a necessary evil.
Like I said before, being vulnerable requires courage and isn't at all easy so I hope some of this helps you on you journey.
Lots and lots of love...
Mimi