Blurring the Lines Between Sex and Love?
Hey Loves,
So the topic of sex and emotion is one that has been brought up in a lot of my conversations recently (which I love), and a mixture of experience and nosiness have lead me to believe that there are many stages a woman goes through when discovering what sex, love and intimacy truly mean to her.
Now I’m not really sure where it begins but there seems to be a point in the average woman’s life (or at least I’m hoping so), where she becomes fully aware of the hidden meanings behind her desires. Where she has mastered the ability to identify the difference between the makings of blossoming romance and simply a transaction between two consenting adults
What I’ve also come to find is, no matter how modern we think we are, sex is way more complicated than most of us really want to admit it is...
For a lot of us, our sexual satisfaction during the earlier stages of being active, is more fear based.
‘Am I enough?’, ‘Do I make him happy?', 'Is this a good angle', etc etc.
If not it was obsessing about not wanting to seem like a slut, or a thot, or a whor- sorry, hoe or whatever; it was like there was a lingering fear or guilt that often prevented us from enjoying sex to it’s full capacity.
We were also aware at this time that as women we were not only to suppress our desires, but part of our womanly duty was to satisfy our men, and whether you were sexually active or not, these messages were received loud and clear.
Of course these ideas have evolved (ever, ever, ever so slightly as far as I’m concerned), but the simple fact that 'manly duties' isn’t a thing suggests that sex for a woman is often looked at as obligation or something that is done to us, not just a means to get our rocks off. Because let’s be honest, most of us had no idea what we wanted and we really didn’t really care. We were either excited we were finally doing it and wanted to know what the fuss was about, pressured by our peers, or genuinely in love and wanting to satisfy our men.
However, as we get older and more in tune with our nature I find it can actually get more complicated.
At this point a lot of us are very set on what we want when it comes to romantic relationships, what we’ll accept, what we will not accept etc etc. We’re also aware that a soul fulfilling relationship is something that we hope to one day obtain.
Now the problem with that is, a girl has needs! And being that intimacy is an important part of the experience (as well as everything else) it is often the catalyst for bringing our deep desire for love to the forefront, thus, making us blur the lines between intimacy, romance...or even potential.
In the past I have found myself in the same predicament. Being somebody who is often detached (and trying to do better), I had finally come to the realisation that actually, though I wasn’t on the hunt for a husband, a romantic connection was something I decided I was not only ready for, but I desired.
This realisation dawned on me at a time when I was being entertained by an old flame, an old flame I called on for one purpose only. However, the intimacy exchanged between us eventually made me feel something that wasn’t actually real, and in those moments, sis? I near enough thought I was in love.
Was it the intimacy that kept me going back or was it the D? Hmmm to say the least, I was confusion.
Before then, I had always been clear on what it was I thought I wanted; a no-strings-attached situation that didn’t require me to be too vulnerable or emotionally exposed.
This wasn’t because I had a hate for men or because I was a commitment phobe, if anything the opposite.
I’ve always believed that my one true love would somehow just walk into my life and whisk me away. I’ve believed this so much that I couldn’t give anything ‘mediocre’ a chance. If it wasn’t true love I wanted no parts, and that until then, I would be happy being single, and shagging.
I didn’t realise until my old flame fling that actually, in my wait for a romantic comedy scenario, what I wanted the most was what I’d subconsciously been shying away from. I’d been feeding off feelings of intimacy to compensate for my deep want for true love, and in a weird way I think I’m ok with that.
Since then I’ve come to the conclusion that when offering ourselves physically to someone, it’s important to identify the reasoning behind it. Whether it be loneliness, blue ovaries, intimacy or pure unadulterated self gratification, our ultimate ‘duty’ is to be true to ourselves and our greater desires.
In my eyes, all of the above are good enough reasons to get laid, but until we keep it real about what we want, the hole we really want to be filled runs the risk of just getting bigger and bigger.
Mimi…